(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
ALLISON: Hello. Gary, you home?
Oh, no.
(EX CLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION)
What? Are you trying to lock me out?
Yes. You didn't step in the bear trap and I guess the anvil missed you.
Non-stop cartoon references. I don't miss that.
I picked up Louise's basketball uniforms.
Now, you're sure you're ready to coach girls' basketball?
Are you kidding me? I can't wait.
The rest of the teams are gonna cower in fear
at the sight of Bonnie's Organic Market.
Look, Gary, just remember that their last coach
had a strict philosophy of non-competitive competition.
Okay, well, their new coach has a strict philosophy about their old coach.
Get a haircut and get a job, you dirty hippie.
Okay. That's nice. Nice. Gary, where are the kids?
I got stuck at a job.
Vanessa's picking them up. She helped me out.
- Oh. Does she do that a lot? - Sometimes, yeah.
Right now, I think she's taking them for ice cream.
Ice cream? Before dinner? You think that's a good idea?
Well, they're having ice cream for dinner, so I didn't think it mattered.
- Hi. - Hey.
- The kids are right behind me. - Thanks for helping me out.
Hey, guys.
Check it out, Mom. Vanessa took us to get tattoos.
Oh. Wow. Look at that. My son has a giant snake on his arm.
- Neat. - They're henna. Don't worry.
They'll be gone in like, two, three, four, five, six weeks, tops.
Vanessa said it would draw attention to my guns.
Oh, boy.
You're gonna need those guns to fight off all the girls.
Look at mine, Mom.
Would you look at that, huh? The recycling symbol.
- Took forever. - Yeah?
The guy could do 20 types of unicorns,
but couldn't get his head around a triangle made out of arrows.
Go figure.
Thanks, Vee. You coming to the game tonight?
I'm gonna be the referee.
- I'll be there, Tee. - Cool.
Tee? Vee? What?
Hey, Vanessa, you don't think that temporary tattoos
could, you know, be a gateway to permanent tattoos?
- Well, I... - I'll take this one.
Come on, Allison. You take the kids to the street fair.
You don't care when they get their faces painted there.
You don't think that's the gateway to permanent clownhood, do you?
Look, I'm sorry. I was just trying to kill some time
between dinner and school, that's all.
Yeah, that's... It's fine. Really.
But, you know, a trip to the library wouldn't have been a bad idea. So...
Yeah. That's great. Then the kids could have looked up a bunch of words,
- like "passive" and "aggressive." - All they...
Okay, yeah.
I just sock-mopped the floor. Time to move it along.
- Show's over. - Happy to. Bye.
I'll talk to you later, okay?
What are you doing?
Why are you so afraid of letting me talk to her?
I'm not afraid of you talking to her.
I'm afraid of you unhinging your jaw and swallowing her whole.
Gary, I'm just trying to find out something about this woman
who's spending so much time with our kids.
I mean, how do I know she's not a bad influence?
She's a good influence. She told me she was a good influence.
Or maybe she said she was under the influence.
Come on, she's a good girl. She's got great judgment.
Really? You know what, Gary? I think there are, what,
like 4 billion men out there and she picked you.
Now, I don't know what the opposite of winning the lottery is,
but, damn, I think she got it.
She took the kids out for fun, Allison, okay? You remember fun.
It's part of your Axis of Evil, along with joy and laughter.
All right, guys, listen up. We're playing Hanson's Dry Cleaning, okay?
They're faster than us, they're taller than us,
and their uniforms are beautifully pressed and starched.
But, listen, I think we can beat them, all right?
- Good luck, Coach. - Hey! Hey, Vanessa.
Look, this gym has a strict rule. You can't come out on the court
unless you're wearing a super-hot cheerleader uniform.
Too bad. I left mine at home.
(CHUCKLES)
You really have a hot cheerleader uniform?
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Two minutes, Coach. Two minutes.
- Whoa. Okay. What's with the shades? - Huh?
Your sunglasses. Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Oh. I'm just getting a lot of glare off the court.
Hey, Vee.
Hi, Tom. Did you color in that tattoo?
Yeah. I'm turning it into a coral snake.
It's beautiful, but also dangerous.
All the signs are there, the sunglasses, the whistle.
I'm raising a small-town sheriff.
All right, team, bring it in. We're gonna dominate on three.
One. Two. Three. Dominate!
Yeah, you know, if we all...
If we all say it together, it sounds a lot scarier, okay?
Dad, our last coach said it isn't about the number on the scoreboard,
it's about the number of friends we make.
Okay, girls, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.
Losers don't deserve friends. Get out there and win, win, win, win!
(WHOOPS) Let's go.
Man, check it out. Your ex-wife is sitting next to your girlfriend.
Oh, my gosh, that's awful. Those two are not a good combination.
Yesterday I had to get right in between them when they were...
Hugging?
You were between them when they were hugging?
Which way were you facing? 'Cause I gotta tell you, I'd be torn.
No.
No. They were fighting yesterday, they're hugging now.
But this is much worse. This is way worse. I gotta break this up.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
I got earrings on your forward here, Coach.
Jewelry is not regulation.
I thought studs were okay.
No studs, no hoops, no danglers. Check your rule book.
Well, I would check my rule book,
except the referee spilled his Count Chocula all over it this morning.
Come here, have a seat, sweetheart. Here we go.
All right, Dennis, what are they doing now?
They're talking and they're laughing and they're totally looking right at me.
What's up, ladies?
What are you doing? They're not looking at you. They're looking at me.
Why couldn't they be looking at me?
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
Hey, Coach, we're waiting on you!
I got earrings here. I'm working on it. Go ahead, sweetheart, you're okay.
Look, you're a very handsome man, Dennis,
but I'm the only thing they have in common, okay?
The person that hates me the most
is talking to the person that likes me the most. I can't have that.
Allison has four quarters to tell Vanessa every stupid thing I ever did,
every dumb thing I ever said, every stupid thing I ever tried to eat!
Dude, you're right.
And the worst thing is, if they keep talking,
sooner or later, conversation's bound to get around to your junk.
(WOMEN LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Too late.
Let me tell you, the game's changed a lot since I was a kid.
- You played basketball? - Yeah. Point guard.
I was lethal at the top of the key.
I could trey it up from the corner and I could dish it from the paint.
I was unstoppable.
Hey, Vanessa, you have to finish telling me that Lake Havasu story.
Oh. Okay. Right.
So, all six girls are skinny-dipping and nobody remembers to turn off the boat.
Oh, my God. So, what? So, what?
Like, the entire boat, it just, like, drove away?
Yeah. And an hour later,
a couple of high-school boys pull up in a fishing boat
and they drive us back to the shore very slowly.
You know, when I was in a sorority, we all went skinny-dipping once.
I mean, I left my bra and underwear on, but still very exhilarating. Freeing.
- Hey! Hey... - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey, what's going on?
What are you guys doing?
Vanessa was just telling me this really funny story about Lake Havasu.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, that... That's so... I love that story.
All the kids are very thirsty outside.
Could you please bring them some juice? That's good.
- Bring the juice. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We gotta keep them hydrated. - Yeah. All good.
Go ahead. Right out there.
And when I get back, I'll tell you my Cabo story.
- It's insane. - Okay.
That Cabo story.
- What the heck are you doing? - What? What do you mean?
Why are you trying to be friends with my girlfriend?
Well, Gary, you wouldn't tell me anything about her,
so I had to find out for myself.
And you'll be happy to know, I think she's great.
She sort of reminds me of me.
In what alternate universe?
In the same universe where a girl like that is attracted to a guy like you.
Look, Gary, I just think she's lovely. All right?
Good. Then you guys can go back to arguing about tattoos then, okay?
Oh, Gary, please. They're henna. They'll wash off.
Okay. Fluids are replaced.
Sun block. Girls need sun block.
I told their parents they wouldn't come back old and leathery.
That's good. Thanks a lot.
Gary, this is a good thing. I like Vanessa.
- I can even see hanging out with her. - No, no. No, no, no.
You cannot hang out with her. You can maybe talk to her.
You can appreciate her.
You can be jealous that your scales aren't as soft as her skin,
but you cannot hang out with her.
Gary, what could possibly be wrong with your girlfriend
getting along with your ex-wife?
How would you like it if I hung out with your fianc� all the time?
Hey. Hey, Krandall.
Hey, what's up? You wanna hang out sometime?
- No, thank you. - What?
Why not?
I say this at the risk of sounding superior, but you're beneath me.
Hey, Vanessa, where did you say you got that belt again?
Oh, uh, Stella on Melrose.
You know what? I have something I need to return there.
Do you wanna come with me?
No, Allison does not wanna go with you.
- Gary. Yes, I would love to go. - No, actually, she doesn't.
She changed her mind. She told me she doesn't wanna go out with you.
- (STAMMERING) I would. - Would not.
She's trying to say she would not.
She doesn't wanna spend time with you.
Look, here's the thing, you guys.
You two shopping together, I gotta be honest,
I don't think that's something I would enjoy.
So, Vanessa, what time were you thinking?
- Well, I was... - No. No, no, no.
Vanessa, don't fall for it, okay? She's not trying to be your friend.
She's just seeing if you're a good influence on her kids. That...
Yeah, of course that's what she's doing. I'm a mom, I get it.
- She's checking out the new girlfriend. - We're just going shopping, Gary.
Uh, no, you're not.
No. You know what? I'm putting my foot down.
Look, that's my foot. It went down.
I am forbidding you guys from spending time together.
Excuse me? Did you just say "forbidding"?
Yes, "forbidding." I'm forbidding you guys from going out together. Forget it.
- Really? - Really.
- Okay. Allison? - Mmm-hmm?
How about we leave as soon as we're done here?
- She can't. She's forbidden. - You know what? I would...
I would love to. And there's a spa near there.
- We can... - Is it a forbidden spa?
We can... We can both get massages.
- No, you can't. - I could really use a massage.
My boyfriend's been stressing me out lately.
You're forbidden.
Hey, then we can go get drinks afterwards, huh?
- Maybe flirt with some guys? - Perfect.
Yeah, that's great, 'cause you're both forbidden.
I'm telling you what to do. The man of the house has spoken!
Oh, my goodness. Why are you so tense?
Well, this was kind of a last-minute thing
and I forgot to shave my legs.
- Let me know if the pressure is okay. - That's nice.
MASSEUR: Just relax and remember to breathe.
(SOFTLY) It's my wife.
ALLISON: Is everything okay?
(CLEARING THROAT)
(IMITATING MASSEUR) Yes, everything's fine.
Everything's nice. Is the pressure okay?
Yes, that's great. Thank you.
I notice you wear a wedding ring. Are you married?
Oh. Engaged, actually. But I used to be married.
Your ex-husband, what's the matter?
- You could not please him? - What?
I mean, maybe your...
Your ex-husband, he was not pleasing?
Well, not pleasing enough for me to stay married to. I'll say...
(GROANS)
You know what? That pressure's getting a little intense there.
Well, what could you tell somebody about your ex-husband,
if you had a new friend, maybe a new friend like me.
Well, I'm kind of mad at him right now,
but I guess I'd say he was bossy, paranoid and selfish.
He's selfish, hey? Yeah, selfish,
even though he offered to make love to you every night of the week,
even when you wore your retainer and had on your grannie panties?
- Selfish, my ass! - What? What? My God, Gary!
- What are you doing here? - What am I doing here?
I wanted to see if you were gonna talk smack about me and yeah, you did.
- Oh, my God. You're crazy. - You were bad-mouthing me
to the massage therapist, a complete stranger.
I can only imagine what kind of things you say to my girlfriend!
Gary, get out of here!
Allison, come on. I have a clean slate with Vanessa.
I don't want you filling her head with all the bad things
that you know about me, okay?
Look, I will say whatever I wanna say. And you know what?
Maybe I will start by telling her about the time
that you interrupted my $ 160 massage.
You're still mad about that? Oh, my gosh.
Come on, I'm not leaving here
until you promise to just stay out of my relationship.
Me? You're the one who messed things up with your Ike Turner speech.
"I forbid you, woman."
My God, Gary, we're having a good time, okay?
I like Vanessa. She brings out my fun side.
If you have a fun side, I have a ballroom-dancing side, okay?
- Is there a problem in here? - Yeah.
This man touched my naked body.
Yeah, but that wasn't fun for me either, I mean...
You have to come with us, sir.
All right, look, I didn't want to have to do this, fella,
but I'm Officer Brooks. Vice.
- I'd like to speak to the owner. - I am the owner.
Well, in that case, these are for you. Excuse me.
Where have you been?
Sorry, Pop, the Plymouth got a flat on the way home from the record store.
We had to hitch it the whole way back. What's going on with you, Tom?
- Sit down. - I'm sitting down. Relax.
What did you say to Vanessa at the party?
She walked away and she looked upset.
She didn't even say goodbye to me.
- Well, I... - You know what, I don't want to hear it.
I just want you to fix it, and I want you to fix it now.
You're pretty upset about this, aren't you?
Yeah, I am. Because I like Vanessa.
And if you're not seeing her, then I'm not seeing her. You follow?
Okay, let me explain it to you this way.
Okay, let's say you go to a new school, okay?
And you like your new teacher,
but there's an old teacher from the old school
that knows all the bad stuff about you
- that comes with you... - Yeah, I get it, Dad, okay?
You're afraid Mom's gonna tell Vanessa bad stuff about you.
Well, I don't know how you made that leap in your mind, but...
You know what?
I am losing patience.
But in that scenario, I would go to my new teacher
and tell her all the stuff I was afraid she was gonna hear from the old teacher.
Okay, you want me to tell Vanessa all the things
I'm afraid your mom's gonna tell her about me?
At least she'd be hearing it from you.
All right. Thanks.
You're a good man, Tommy. You'll turn into a fine young man.
Thanks, Dad.
But the one thing you have to remember about women is, you know,
they don't usually have a lot of faith in us. Men usually just...
Hey, hey, hey, hand it over.
You know, one day, I'm gonna taste one of those.
Hey, wanna hear something that'll really get you mad?
I'm gonna taste them both right now.
- I gotta see Vanessa. - There's a band. Five Dollar Cover.
Fine.
Here's your $5.
No, the name of the band is Five Dollar Cover.
It's $ 10 to get in.
Fine, $ 10. Let me in.
I went to stuntman school.
Excuse me?
In 1993, for three weeks, I went to stuntman school.
It cost me $ 12,000,
and on the second day, I sprained my ankle on my way
to Falling Out of a Building class.
Okay.
I'm a sore loser. I hold a grudge. I'm very impatient,
so much so that I'll flush the toilet before I'm even finished peeing.
What are you doing?
I'm telling you all the bad things about me before Allison has a chance to do it.
I just want to beat her to the punch.
So, you think that if Allison tells me that you flunked out of stuntman school,
I'm gonna break up with you?
Well, no, I didn't... I didn't flunk out of stuntman school.
I tripped over uneven pavement and then I quit the next day.
Thank you, Gisele.
Gary, why don't you trust me to make up my own mind about you?
I never expected you to be perfect or anything close to perfect.
Oh.
Well, in that case...
Taa-daa!
And you don't have to worry so much about Allison,
because you'll be able to hold this night over her head
for a very long, long time.
Why? What do you mean? What's going on?
Wait. Where'd she go? She was just here.
Hey, Vanessa. She tried to sneak out again.
Oh, my gosh, that's Allison.
Every time I walk outside, I end up right back here.
Hey, it's my guys! My guys!
(WHOOPS)
Two drinks. Amazing.
Hey, hey! Get these guys a drink.
Because this lady right here,
this lady is like the coolest lady in the whole world.
And this unattractive lady is my ex-husband.
I am so happy right now.
Okay, but I'm gonna need you to support her while I get the door, okay?
Whoa, she's 100 pounds of Jell-O shots right now.
You're so super-sweet. I totally weigh more than 100 pounds.
Right. Watch out, she's a kisser when she's drunk. She kisses.
I know. Ira got a mouthful on the way out.
I never kissed a black man before, but I will again.
Yeah. Put her in the seat, okay? Careful.
All right. Could you do me a favor? Go upstairs, get some aspirin,
some B-12, and get her Cowboys sweatshirt,
'cause when she's drunk, she gets cold.
- Sure. - I'm so hungry.
You know what? I'm gonna make a bundt cake.
- Okay. - Look, I'm sorry I acted so crazy today.
I was just so afraid that Allison was gonna say something to you
that changed the way that you looked at me.
Well, right now, I'm looking at a man who's generous enough
to help the woman who drives him crazy 99% of the time.
I think it's sweet.
Hey, you know what else is good? Cinnabon.
You go get it. I'm gonna wait right here.
Well, let me put you to bed.
- No, Allison, let me... Come on, let me... - Gary.
- All right. - No. Gary, let me just lay here.
- Can't I lay here? Just let me lay here. - Okay.
So cool.
I love marble. You know, I wanted Spanish tile,
but you said marble, Gary. You are so smart.
You are so smart!
It's hard being smart, isn't it? I'm always the smart one, Gary.
And you're always the fun one.
And I used to be fun like Vanessa, but then I met you.
And you out-funned me, and I just got boring.
I didn't out-fun you. It's just you married an immature jerk,
and somebody had to step up and act like a grown-up, that's all.
Hey, I used to love that immature jerk. Don't talk bad about him.
All right.
It's a deal, but you take it easy on yourself, okay?
'Cause you were a lot of things, but you were never boring.
I would kiss you right now if I hadn't just thrown up in my mouth.
All right, ladies, let's go get them! Let's go! Dominate!
All right!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Hey, ref, what's up?
You and Vanessa work things out?
Yes, we did. Thank you for your advice, okay?
You be good to her.
Hey, look what the cat dragged in! How you feeling, Allison?
Looks like Vanessa really did bring out your fun side.
Well, if by "fun side," you mean my insides, then yes.
Yes, she did.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
Let's play some hoops, ladies!
(CONTINUES BLOWING WHISTLE)
Okay, you know what? I bought these in bulk, so you might...